Dating
by sinemoras09
Summary: Bishamon and Kazuma have been on a lot of dates. Crack. No spoilers.


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1.

On some level, a god could sense their shinkis' emotional states. Fatigue, irritation, even boredom can permeate the periphery of a god's consciousness, sloshing together into a murky background hum. Ordinarily Bishamon wouldn't be able to pinpoint who is bored, or who is annoyed at whom, or who is likely pacing around their bedroom trying their very best to calm themselves down, but then again, her connection with Kazuma has always been the strongest, and as she perused through a few dresses hanging in her closet, she could feel Kazuma's rising panic spotlighting his name in her mind.

"Will you just stop freaking out?" Yato said. Kazuma pulled out one shirt, then another, holding them up against his chest before tossing them on the bed. "Ugh, Kazuma! They're the same white shirt, holy crap, calm down!"

"Hmm," Bishamon frowned to herself. She held up a dress in the mirror, held up another one, then debated silently if she should ask Kazuma for his opinion, except that she remembered they were supposed to be going on a "date," and as far as she knew, one's date does not typically dress the other.

Bishamon pondered.

"This is terrible," Kazuma said. He had all but curled up into a fetal position, holding his head in his hands while Yato held two white shirts out, helpfully. "I just wanted to stay by her side, I was already happy. And now I'm risking everything and Veena will realize she doesn't like me!"

"Hah?" Yato said. Kazuma moaned. "What the heck are you talking about, Kazuma? Why the hell would she not like you?"

"Veena likes everybody." Kazuma's voice was muffled by a pillow. "She probably doesn't even realize what a date is. I've been remiss in my guidance and now I'm taking advantage of her."

In the other room, Bishamon paused dressing, lifting her head.

Her Kazuma was nervous. Bishamon furrowed her brow, frowning. Her Kazuma was nervous and the level of stress he was experiencing was almost enough to weaken her - almost, except he was her hafuri, and even in times of crisis he was astute enough to keep his emotions at least somewhat in check.

But even now she could sense his panic, despite the fact that as far as she was aware, dates were a way for couples to relax and enjoy themselves. She had expected her Kazuma to be happy to go on a date with her, but perhaps that was just her ego and ignorance of the situation that colored her perception.

Bishamon sighed, then decisively shut the closet door.

"How do I look?" Kazuma said. He was wearing his shirt and slacks and a look of utter resignation, because apparently this was him at his most attractive.

"You look fine," Yato said, but apparently Kazuma had a burst of determined inspiration, because he pulled off his glasses and stalked into the bathroom, slicking his hair back with styling gel and unbuttoning the first two buttons of his collar.

"How do I look now?" Kazuma said, turning toward him. He looked like a nerdy accountant trying to look like a sexy Yakuza.

"Uh," Yato said. "Like, truthfully, or...?"

There was a knock at the door.

"Kazuma?" Bishamon rapped her knuckles against the door. "Is everything all right?" She pushed the door open and saw Yato and Kazuma standing in front of her.

"Well this explains it," Bishamon said, crossing her arms. "Yatogami. What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was helping Kazuma!" Yato said. "And what the hell, chijou, ever hear of privacy? We could've been naked right now!"

Bishamon arched an eyebrow.

"I mean, him, not both of us," Yato said. Bishamon looked at Kazuma.

"Kazuma. What happened to your hair?"

"It's, uh, it's styling gel," Kazuma said, stupidly. He looked even stupider without his glasses. Yato smacked his forehead. Bishamon frowned.

"Well obviously this is the Yatogami's way of making fun of you. I'll wait here while you wash it off."

Kazuma slunk defeatedly back into the bathroom.

xXx

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2.

Actually, Kazuma and the skank have been on at least a million dates: it's just that the two of them were too stupid to realize it.

Yato didn't really hang out with the skank until after she rescued him from Yomi. Until then, he mostly just hung out with Kazuma. Kazuma never complained, but Yato always got the feeling that the skank more often than not took him for granted. So he was surprised when one day he ran into the both of them, walking down the street and holding hands. It wasn't the image Yato had in mind from the way Kazuma always talked about her: he had assumed Kazuma followed her several steps back, since he always seemed to talk as if he was unworthy of even being near her.

"It's crowded," Kazuma said, by way of explanation. "I didn't want us to get separated."

"Indeed," Bishamon said. "Kunimi often holds Ebisu's hand."

Yato considered pointing out that Ebisu was newly reincarnated, nevermind the fact that Kazuma was a walking GPS, there was no way that they'd get separated, but decided to go for a more blunt tack instead: "I dunno, it just kinda looks like you two are on a date," Yato said.

"Date?" Bishamon wrinkled her nose. "Kazuma. Remind me again. What is a 'date'?"

"A social engagement that typically has romantic connotations," Kazuma said. He wasn't just Bishamon's GPS, he was her dictionary, too.

"Oh, well yes, Yatogami. We are not on a date," Bishamon said. She was still holding Kazuma's hand. "We were actually just coming back from a meeting with Ebisu."

"But you guys aren't in uniform." Actually, Yato didn't really pay attention to stuff like that, except that Bishamon had now shifted from holding Kazuma's hand to rubbing the small of Kazuma's back, and when Yato gave a look to Kazuma, _Yo! Look at the way she's touching you!_ , the message apparently didn't telegraph.

"Did you want to join us?" Kazuma said, trying to decipher his look. "Veena and I wouldn't mind-"

"Uh-" Yato shot a look at the skank. She smiled.

"Well. I suppose my Kazuma and I do owe you a debt of gratitude. You and your hafuri should join us."

"Yukine's actually busy studying with Hiyori." _Look at my eyes, Kazuma, I'm trying to help you!_ "And it looks like you two finally got some time off together, you really don't want me to intrude."

"Yato don't be ridiculous," Kazuma said, and Yato widened his eyes at him. Bishamon smiled and grasped Kazuma by the arm.

xXx

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"My Kazuma is teaching Ebisu's shinki how to do incantations," Bishamon said, and she rubbed her hand affectionately on Kazuma's thigh.

"Indeed," Kazuma said, and he plucked Bishamon's hand off his leg, "Ebisu-sama thought it would be useful for them."

"Huh," Yato said, and Bishamon's hand found its way to Kazuma's thigh again.

They chatted about idle things, things in the Far Shore and balancing wishes, and as they lapsed into a comfortable silence, Bishamon leaned into Kazuma and whispered into Kazuma's ear.

Kazuma chuckled. Yato raised his eyebrow.

"It's like the red ribbon all over again!" Bishamon said, giggling. Kazuma laughed, shaking his head.

"Oh," Kazuma said, noticing Yato. "Sorry, it's a bit of an inside joke. There once was this wooden ox cart, and Veena..."

It was a thirty minute explanation. Bishamon started cracking up, leaning sideways into Kazuma. They were holding hands again.

"Kazuma!" Yato said, when he and Kazuma were finally alone. "What the heck is with you and the skank?"

"What do you mean?" Kazuma was holding his drink and tilting his head, curiously.

"I mean, all these years I've known you, you'd whine and cry about how much the skank ignores you! And here you are, acting all lovey dovey and holding hands!"

Kazuma sighed. "That is probably my fault," Kazuma said. "You forget, Yato. You and lady Kofuku have the benefit of living among humans. Veena is far removed from all that. She has no sense of boundaries because I have not been a proper guide."

"Huh?" Yato said. Kazuma looked at him sadly.

"It is a holdover from the bad times," Kazuma said, quietly. "She often found comfort when she could touch my name. Unfortunately, other aspects of that sometimes spills over. I've tried to correct her, but being physically apart from her shinki distresses her. It's bad enough that she walls herself off emotionally. I can only imagine the stress she'd have if we isolated her physically, too."

"So if your name were on your forehead, she'd what? Put her hand on your face or something?"

"...I'm not sure. Maybe. In any case, touching our names gives great comfort to her. It's why she sometimes holds my hand."

And so it went. At the Christmas party, the skank leaned into Kazuma's back as he laid presents out under the tree, and when they watched movies, everyone took the couch while Bishamon and Kazuma sat on the floor, no one so much as batting an eye when skank eventually curled up on her side and used Kazuma's lap like a pillow. They spoke in shortcuts and often held hands, and everyone pretty much forgot that they weren't actually a couple like Daikoku and Kofuku.

xXx

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3.

"The hell is he doin'?" Daikoku said to Kofuku, under his breath. It was probably sometime around the middle of the 17th century, just shortly after Kofuku first visited Bisha. They were sitting across from them at the tavern, and while he and his lady were enjoying their dinner, Kazuma was running around fussing over Bishamon like some kind of servant: when her glass of water was empty, he spent the better part of the dinner trying to flag a hostess down, until finally sighing heavily and walking up to the drink station where the water pitchers were sitting. He took a pitcher, refilled Bishamon's glass, then stopped her as her chopsticks were poised mid-air.

"Bishamon-sama," Kazuma said. "There is a bone in your fish."

"Huh?" Bishamon said. Kazuma plucked the morsel with his chopsticks, pulled out the bone, and set it back on her plate. After fidgeting for another five minutes, watching Bishamon chew with an unblinking intensity, Kazuma cleared his throat, picked up Bishamon's plate, and started to de-bone her fish for her. Daikoku glanced at Kofuku, who shrugged imperceptibly.

"So Kofuku-dono," Bishamon said, after Kazuma had finished de-boning her fish, re-filling her glass, and was now spooning more rice in her bowl, "My Kazuma is convinced that you and Daikoku-san live as husband and wife. Is this true?"

"Mmm!" Kofuku nodded. "Me and Daikoku have been living together for the last four years. Right, Kokki?"

"Yeah," Daikoku smiled and rubbed Kofuku's back. "My lady was never one for propriety."

"Even though it is expressly forbidden by heaven?" Bishamon seemed intrigued.

"Yeah!~ The heaven are a bunch of poopy heads anyway! And Kokki's just so _dreamy_."

"Oi," Daikoku said, frowning. "You're grossin' everybody out." Kofuku grinned at him and cuddled up into his chest. Bishamon smiled.

"But is it not strange - and forgive me Kofuku-dono if I sound ignorant - but is it not strange being in a relationship with your servant?"

Kofuku and Daikoku stared at her. Kazuma stared at his bowl awkwardly.

"Did...did I say something out of line?" Bishamon said.

"No no no, Bisha!~ Don't worry about it! It's just that it's been awhile since anyone's asked about me and Kokki~" Kofuku waved her hand, reassuringly.

"In any case," Kazuma said, blushing furiously. "Thank you for inviting us out, Kofuku-sama, Daikoku-san. My Master and I are most appreciative."

"It was just drinks." Daikoku frowned at them over his glass. Kofuku grinned and slapped Kazuma on the back.

"The hell was goin' on with _them_?" Daikoku said, after Kazuma and Bishamon were walking out of earshot. He and his lady were walking down the street, Kazuma fumbling with an umbrella and trying to lift it over her: he kept walking several steps behind her, and as such, had to strain on his tiptoes to keep the rain from falling on her. "Good lord, look at him. He looks like he's gonna topple over."

The dynamic started to change over the centuries: he stopped following her around like a kicked puppy and eventually started talking to her like an equal. "I wonder what's the change?" Kofuku said. Daikoku puffed on a cigarette and shrugged.

xXx

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4.

"Okay, you guys. How hot is Kazuma on a scale of one to ten?" Yato said.

"Two," Daikoku said.

"One~~!" Kofuku said.

"Ten," Bishamon said. All heads snapped toward her. Bishamon crossed her arms.

"Wha- really? You think Kazuma is a ten?" Yato stared at Bishamon like she had two heads.

"Of course." Bishamon stuck her chin up defiantly. "My Kazuma is the best in everything."

Yato snorted. "Yeah, but do ya know what hotness is?"

"A measure of energy that passes from one system to the next." Indeed, her Kazuma was well versed in physics. "He generates quite a bit of heat when he draws his borderlines," Bishamon said.

"Okay, well like, how attractive do you think he is?" Yato said.

"'Attractive'?" Bishamon echoed.

"Good-looking."

"He is very good at looking," Bishamon said. "That is the cornerstone of his ability."

Everyone groaned.

"Okay, no, look, Bishamon-" Yato leaned forward. "How... _attractive_...do you think Kazuma is. As a _woman_ ," he gestured at the word for emphasis, "lookin' at him like a _man_?"

"I suppose...my Kazuma is a human male..."

Yato and Kofuku leaned forward.

"Was I supposed to say something else?" Bishamon asked uncertainly. Yato and Kofuku made noises at her again.

"No, chijou! Look! What I'm askin' is, do you find _Kazuma_ physically attractive?"

"Yes," Bishamon said, simply. Yato and Kofuku cheered. "He is a very beautiful earring," Bishamon said.

"No no no Bisha, Bisha~~! What Yato-chan is asking you is, if you look at him, does it make you want to have sex with him~~?"

"What?" Bishamon said, and something dropped. They looked up to see Kazuma and Yukine carrying groceries, Kazuma's face beet red and a bag of groceries rolling around the floor.


End file.
